Cancer. Party of 1.

When you have cancer or are in the process of recovering from it, you basically give your entire life to cancer.  Not in a morbid type of way, but there are many reasons it begins to control it…Some things are actually in a good way and have been to my benefit (hard to believe right?). But the truth is simple, your life will change in many ways, some expected and some not.

First and foremost, its a struggle regardless of how bad you have it. Cancer is cancer and it sucks either way. The treatment and recovery can be trying while you patiently wait for the doctors to figure out what exactly they are doing. There is no definitive time line…medicine is a practice for a reason. It isn’t an exact science and we are not in any way shape or form alike in how our individual bodies will react.

Currently I am off all my meds due to some rare antibodies floating around blocking the ability to read my levels clearly. This has created issues with the doctor’s course of treatment and issues for myself as I did not anticipate being off my meds for an extended period of time.

Becoming hypothyroid sucks ass. No really. Your hair falls out. Your entire body slows down. I can hardly eat a normal size meal and if I do, I immediately start feeling like vomiting. I can’t regulate my body temp well. I can’t sleep due to increased restlessness that creeps up during night fall. Which means I am tired all the time. Which also means I am pretty much in constant pain.

As a result of this whirlwind I am under its control of my body 24/7. It tells me if I have enough energy to do anything in my day, even the simplest activities. I’m at my body’s mercy of how it feels and what it needs. Honestly my Type A personality absolutely hates it, as I need to know what will be going on in my day and when, constantly. Not knowing now triggers my anxiety. Not having enough energy to complete some basic tasks triggers my anxiety. Its rather depressing. But on the plus side, the energy I was rob of led me to not give a shit. Whether my hair looks acceptable, if I have make-up on, hell if I forced myself to get up on time not to piss others off because how dare the person with cancer be tired!

Cancer showed me that some people are straight up two faced loser, who would do anything for a social media photo op. Like look at me giving attention to the sick girl, I can be compassionate too. Well fuck you dude. People with cancer don’t need your sympathy, most days we need a good laugh. The kind a toddler does when he or she is genuinely entertained. I need a hug most days, a “no worries” smile and a friendly shoulder. Cancer led me to find some people are just not genuinely that interested in others except if it makes them look good.

Cancer taught me to slow down. I can’t keep the same pace I did before. And while its only temporary, I still have to embrace a dirty house, a sink full of dishes, a stinky kid and fast-food for dinner kind of days. If that means what energy I do have goes to making my family happy, then that’s just fine.

However, I always have energy for laughter and peanut butter..go figure…

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