Okay so not really 24 hours but if you don’t know me by now, then you must know that I am into music and almost anything can be referred to in a song…okay, so more like addicted to…hell I share the same tatto as a mega rock star and was ready to get a new one if cancer hadn’t stopped me…
… also movies but good movies not those B rated ones. Or bad cult classics, yeah no.
But with hours to spare, it isn’t the surgery that has me down (don’t let me down) but rather leaving my child at my mother’s house. My son is truly my motivation, the fire to my soul and in so many ways my mini-me. Sometimes the only person I may see all day long. So during this time of need my heart ached as I left him at “ga-ga’s” house and made my way home to finish packing.
The separation was almost as if he returned to infancy and I was leaving him (not on a jet plane). And thus I melted… I literally fell to pieces and for the first time I cried. All of the strength I held, in a glorish moment, fell apart and I sobbed in the driveway as I imagined not waking up to him. As dark as that may sound, I have only been away from him a hand full of times, mainly for work. So now wasn’t the time, in my heart, to separate us.
But there’s no way around it, I rather not sacrifice my child’s mental health or well being for me to see him at 330am tomorrow. So I sucked it up, climbed in the car and silently cried alone.
Truly, it was probably a combination of things. I was already pissed off that the doctor’s office screwed me, to get more money. As if you aren’t at your lowest point already, hey by the way, how much more money can we steal from you, to save your life of course, because we aren’t in it for the money. Don’t get me wrong, they deserve to be paid, but some things are just border obscene. Like hey fat kid, I know you want some cake, but you’ll have to run to get it. Fuck you.
Then the stress of work, preparing, planning… etc etc etc (know who said that line?). Now I knew it was coming, but to watch mi corazon leave my arms was a whole nother story, in essence it solidified my fate.
I can’t deny that this is scary, and even more so for this type A, ultra control freak. But at this point, its out of my hands.