A Change Beyond Cancer

When I first became a mother, I couldn’t fathom the quantity of friends I lost. People who didn’t want to be bothered with my nee lifestyle or those unwilling to wait as I figured out life in that new role. Five years later I cannot say that I regained anyone that I lost, nor do I have hard feelings over it.

Being diagnosed wth cancer was almost the same feeling, that having such a hard hitting illness would warrant friendships to be tested. Seems silly right? Who on Earth abandons their friend (or family) in such a time of need? This would be thought of as a time when the community comes out to provide aid to you and your family. (Just a side note: I quite often insisted against people going above and beyond but rather to care and support my family. Purely social observation of obligation).

Well.. I hate to say it, but plenty. Yet in a stroke of luck, many others reached out and offered support unexpectedly. Maybe that’s why I chose to detail my experiences in a blog to avoid the half hearted support of two faced people I expected more from. The truth is, there is nothing pretty about cancer, and there is plenty of unexpected ugly beyond the disease. I almost want to proclaim to others that its not contagious, as if that would calm their fears. 

More than anything, we rely on social media to maintain friendships and provide comfort to others. Yet human touch and contact have proven to be a powerful form of healing, its something we long for.  I can assure you I am not the only person in this situation, sitting in isolation, feeling condemned by this monster.  

Whether its this or something else, take the time to tell others hello, how are you, or simply be there as a form of human contact. For all those this last week who made their presence known, whether physically or spiritually, know that you played a role in my healing process. Your simple note made a difference I my life.

Even the simplest of acts can warm a person’s heart.  

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Suggestions for this Foodie

One thing I look forward to in my day is food! Great way to start a blog post right? But seriously, almost my entire life’s career evolves around food. I love cooking, invention of new/renewed dishes and the excitement that comes from people when they enjoy a dish I’ve made.

But I had zero clue that eating would be so hard post surgery. Talk about killing my inner fat kid. 🤤😂 What’s even more discouraging is I can’t eat peanut butter, what kind of monsterous surgery is this?

But, on the plus side, if I position my neck just right, I can actually eat solid food. Maybe working out up till surgery wasn’t a good idea, I can’t feed my high metabolism haha!

Anything anyone suggests for my first official dish? Tease my inner foodie with recipe ideas 😍

🕉 xxoo

Post-Op Thoughts

Finally, we have reached it…well not the finish line, maybe the starting line? Lap one? Not sure what this portion of my journey could be labeled as.

Probably going to say the climax. Simply because the entire day is filled with anxiety, waiting for the surgery, post-op/recovery, waiting to hear results, results and then the actual road to recovery.

The surgery itself takes just under 2 hours to perform. They took out my entire thyroid, attempted to leave my parathyroid and checked the surrounding area for any other tumors. They also left in a wonderful looking drain which I’ve never seen before but I can say looks disgusting, haha.

The hardest part has been eating or drinking because of the drainage and location of stitches. Hell just swallowing is hard, its a very painful and uncomfortable sensation.

While its nice to have the cancer out, its not the end. I still have radiation therapy followed by monitoring for a good few years to come.

The blessing is the main source I’m out and I have a great group of friends and amazing family who have been there reaching out to me. While I dont feel the need to be alone in this journey, I dont want cancer to be my final chapter either.

Life is meant to be lived for the living. As long as I continue to fill my lungs with air, I’ll continue my life and the beauty of it.

Twenty, twenty, twenty four hours to go…

Okay so not really 24 hours but if you don’t know me by now, then you must know that I am into music and almost anything can be referred to in a song…okay, so more like addicted to…hell I share the same tatto as a mega rock star and was ready to get a new one if cancer hadn’t stopped me…

… also movies but good movies not those B rated ones. Or bad cult classics, yeah no.

But with hours to spare, it isn’t the surgery that has me down (don’t let me down) but rather leaving my child at my mother’s house. My son is truly my motivation, the fire to my soul and in so many ways my mini-me. Sometimes the only person I may see all day long. So during this time of need my heart ached as I left him at “ga-ga’s” house and made my way home to finish packing.

The separation was almost as if he returned to infancy and I was leaving him (not on a jet plane). And thus I melted… I literally fell to pieces and for the first time I cried. All of the strength I held, in a glorish moment, fell apart and I sobbed in the driveway as I imagined not waking up to him. As dark as that may sound, I have only been away from him a hand full of times, mainly for work. So now wasn’t the time, in my heart, to separate us.

But there’s no way around it, I rather not sacrifice my child’s mental health or well being for me to see him at 330am tomorrow. So I sucked it up, climbed in the car and silently cried alone.

Truly, it was probably a combination of things. I was already pissed off that the doctor’s office screwed me, to get more money. As if you aren’t at your lowest point already, hey by the way, how much more money can we steal from you, to save your life of course, because we aren’t in it for the money. Don’t get me wrong, they deserve to be paid, but some things are just border obscene. Like hey fat kid, I know you want some cake, but you’ll have to run to get it. Fuck you.

Then the stress of work, preparing, planning… etc etc etc (know who said that line?).  Now I knew it was coming, but to watch mi corazon leave my arms was a whole nother story, in essence it solidified my fate.

I can’t deny that this is scary, and even more so for this type A, ultra control freak. But at this point, its out of my hands.

Then It Hit Me

It took almost 2 weeks to set in but 2 nights before I go in and reality has kicked in.

I am nervous.

I am worried about the recovery I am to face.

I am worried that it’s worse than they thought.

There is so much more that continues to cross my mine along the entire spectrum. I am fully aware of all the risks involved, its not my first surgery…I realize this is normal and expected but it does not make it any easier to digest.

What’s worse is its not very easy to discuss and when others choose to do so without invitation it results in my immediate shut down and anxiety. Not that I want to appear rude but I honestly haven’t fully digested it myself.

Or I simply don’t have the answer which makes me feel even more anxious. I want to be able to control what will happen but I can’t. I seriously can’t be alone in these feelings…but I don’t want to complain… I feel like I am still very blessed. And annoyed (haha very random I know). But I am annoyed by the restraint I feel this diagnosis has brought me.

Well I have things to prep for, so this is where I stop, thanks all for listening.

🕉 xxoo

Is It That Hard to Believe?

There are set reasons I keep my life fairly private, one of which is because I dont feel that whatever is happening in my life is part of my sole existence. I dont want to talk about with every random person. If its something negative or upsetting, I don’t feel a reason to dwell on it and let it consume my life.

The same goes with fighting cancer. Cancer is not the sum of my life, nor is it the reason for my existence. Cancer is an occurrence or an event, but not my entire life, or the meaning of it. So, I plan to keep on living just as I have been.

This doesn’t mean I may not be worried or have concerns, but in my perspective there isn’t a reason to be consumed by it. When life happens you can either keep on living, and refuse to let it overwhelm you life, because whats done is done. Or dwell on it and allow the negative energy from it to consume you…Its amazing how damaging those negative thoughts and emotions can be.

But why? Is it really that hard to believe that someone who rather live a happy life without the weight of their world verse feeling the need to discuss it with every person they meet? Do I look tired? Probably.  So does every other working mother. Am I anxious? Sure, as would be any wife and mom who wants to protect the well-being of those they love.

But am I happy? Absolutely. Because my life is more than the sum of one event or illness in my life.  I have so much more to live for. So don’t be surprised when I don’t appear bothered by this, its just not worth it. Is it really that hard to believe?

I’ve got a feeling

Am I the only person who sometimes feels like they were in motion but unaware they are? Kind of like when you watch a movie and the actor has the camera right on them, and they’re running in a daze? That’s exactly how my days are playing out since I was diagnosed with cancer. 

You hear that word and automatically you start playing out every possible scenario of circumstances.  My household is definitely a matriarch 😂😁 well its true… and the thought of being out of commission is stressful. It’s not as if I have unlimited time to plan this. Thursday is coming whether I like it or not.  And with no definitive knowledge of what to expect, I feel the need to plan for it all. 

But I can’t.  I can’t and I know it. And that’s what’s stressful. Time is so precious and yet we are so frivolous with it. We spend our days in slave labor or mindless activities, that when pushed to preserve it, we can’t. We shouldn’t have to wait till something happens to force us to value something as common as time.

Now I’m just rattling…guess that comes with this feeling…